8 Week Update

We received some very sad news at our appoitnment Monday morning. Our little embryo (which we saw for the first time on the ultrasound) was not viable. There was no heart beat as we had hoped. Dr. Cone said the embryo was not meeting its developments milestones. When measurements were taken in the ultrasound the embryo was only the size of a 6wk 2 day rather than 8wks and the amniotic sack was starting to break down and deform around the edges.

Dr. Cone informed it he was 1000% sure this was an abnormal pregnancy with no viable embryo. At my age I have a 1 in 4 chance of miscarriage and he explained that this is always a possibility and a risk we take as part of getting pregnant. He assured us it was nothing we had wrong, but rather natures way of knowing something was wrong.

It was our choice, or mine really, to wait and let nature take its course by letting my body recognize the abnormality and reject it (meaning I would start to bleed, possibly hemorage and have to the hospital) or we could have a D&C (Dilation & Curettage). He recommended the D&C because he did not want me to start bleeding over the holidays and have to go the emergency room. Since I was so far along the embryo and sack were somewhat large and would possibly not pass through my body ultimately resulting in emergency surgery.  D&C procedure is the surgical removal of the tissue from my uterus performed by my doctor.

Tony and I discussed it and we both agreed that waiting for the inevitable, it being a much worse situation and risking my health was not the way we wanted to go, so we opted for he D&C. It was scheduled for the next morning. I was put under and it was over before long, Dr. Cone spoke with Tony afterwards and told him all was well. When I woke up I was crying because it had become so real to me that our baby was gone, physically from my body.

Of course this saddened us both but we know that everything happens for a reason and for whatever the reason, this was not our time to have this miracle. Babies are a true gift from God and we were just not ready. I truly believe this with all my heart but it is still sad to me and it does still hurt my heart.

Psychologically it makes we worry about the possibility of future pregnancies and if I will be able to carry a healthy baby to term. At this point we know I can get pregant, which is great and we know I can get pregnant quickly (if we try) like we did in October. I just pray we don't have a reoccurance of this. I worry that I may be one of those women that I hear about so often that can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant. I understand there are options and after 6 months or so of unsuccessful tries we can always seek the advice of fertility specialists. It all just worries me to a degree because we waiting, and I am glad we waiting but I can't help but wonder if we waited too long or if we hadn't waited this long, would we be where we are today?
Every choice has a consequense and this is ours. But again I am glad we waiting, that we were able to have our time together, to work on our relationship and have so much fun traveling all over the world. I think our previous experiences will make us better for each other and better parents when we do have kids. 

My thoughts now are when will that be? Will I be able to carry a healthy baby to term? How long are we going to want to try before we decide to adopt and then how long will that process take? This was my concern about waiting, once we were ready, it would still take years to happen. I honestly don't think I want to be in my 40s with infants. Tony will be 40 next year and although I hope kids will make him feel young, the reality is he will be in his 60s when his kid graduates from college. I wonder if we will ever be grandparents. I think about losing my dad and how he and Granny Ve will never know my children and that breaks my heart.

But that is the reason for this blog. So I can share my worries and concerns and get them out so they are not always swimming in my head. I want to share my journey, our journey, the journey of us creating a family.

And hopefully within the next few entries here we will be trying again soon and will have some positive news to share. All the thoughts and prayers are appreciated.